Six months have passed! Eventful months. Tiring months. And here we are at the end of 2006. We have had plans since mid-October to move to Asheville, NC. I need some relief from the relentless Florida heat and the pervasive worry that a hurricane will come by.

We've been through so many incarnations of the dream - sell this house and buy a permanent residence in western NC, keep this house and buy a small retreat or even a mobile home in the mountains. So far, nothing has happened except that my house is a lot cleaner. And that is GOOD!

I worry about having enough money to implement any version of the plan. I think that will be my New Year's resolution - eliminate debt other than mortgage, student loan, and car loan. And since I am the one working AND the one spending most of the money, I am the one who must take responsibility for making it work! I expect that the $3100 tax credit for the new Prius will help!

So, the year from June 27 to date:

1. Terrible blow up with my son, causing me to retreat from contact with him. This required a new acceptance of the distance he wants between us. Very hard. Very sad.
2. Totalled my 2003 Prius. ALL my fault. Who said I could be a cowboy? I paid with bruises and pain for a few weeks. Then I got a wonderful NEW Prius. Wonderful car - 50 mpg!!!
3. The opera company www.firstcoastopera.com came home again. We keep trying to give it away but still maintain contact and the spirit it was founded in. This time I stupidly, foolishly allowed myself to get completely back into the areas I haven't wanted to handle for several years. This has caused a lot of stress and ultimately the push for relocation! The worst results are headaches and stomach agitation.
4. Much more needlepoint! Christmas presents for nearly everybody came out of that. I love working with the colors and textures.
5. The unheard of has happened - I have an ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree in my living room! It is quite beautiful, though.
6. I find myself, at the close of 2006, needing to remind myself that my own positive energy will create the positive results I want. I will need to exercise some discipline and forethought to combat my spending urges, particularly when it comes to stitching. I have strong Taoist leanings towards non-action, and this must be something I reflect upon and quite possibly release. Louise Hay's affirmations are not non-active, and I embrace that concept too. Perhaps inaction comes from that long-held victim-stance that has historically gotten me in big trouble!

I included this in my Christmas/Holiday letter
"To see a World in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
William Blake"
AND
"We are ever mindful that joy comes from seeking the wonder in whatever surrounds us, and treasuring friends, family and experiences as a mother cherishes a newborn child. We wish you that joy, now and in the New Year!"

That pretty much sums it up... now on to a new calendar!

Memoirs?

Hmmmm..........
I've been thinking about blogging (so much on the news about MySpace.com). Anthony asked me a little while ago why such a shy and reserved person would create a blog. I still don't really have an answer, but I do know I like it better than journaling, of which I have done a lot at particular times of growth in my life.

From the title of this blog and my other (Things I recall with gratitude) one would expect it to be mostly about distant past events. Memoirs is the French word for memories. Perhaps it should be better entitled "thoughts of a biggish fish in a small pond". Ah, semantics.

Anyway, my pond seems to have a leak. The water level goes down intermittently, perhaps 6 inches or so, and once refilled it SOMETIMES goes down again. But sometimes it stays as it is for several days. Hmmmmm..... Such mystery. The nasty, inconvenient part would be having to take it apart and redo it in this heat! And I wonder if we could find the same shape plastic liner. I know there are a lot of options, but the big bugaboo for me is doing THAT job in 85-90 degree heat at 70-80% humidity! Ugh!

Otherwise, I've been stitching and teaching, stitching and teaching. Some days I stitch 8-9 hours.

I love my teaching, especially these days. Although I REALLY miss having Linda and Martha and Karen as accompanists for my students, the computer program Smart Music is a reasonable substitute. My students have such potential! They are truly wonderful, and for me they are a kind of family here in far off Florida, especially since my kids are no longer KIDS, but full fledged grown people with full lives of their own.

The studio!!!! It is so magical. Anthony and I spent some time out there last night in candle light listening to an 80 year old pianist playing Ravel. Ah, bliss. The room almost seems to have a rarefied air - like stepping into one of the magnificent cathedrals in England. There is a spaciousness there with the high ceiling, and a stillness. It's funny - sometimes when it rains I can hear one of those little green froggies outside and it's SO LOUD! How can such tiny, unprepossessing creatures make such a racket!!!???

That, of course, reminds me of a delicious memory! Both when I was growing up in Hanover and as a young mother in Monroe, I recall the calling of the spring peepers with such joy! Like our Florida tree frogs, these little fellas and gals were calling like mad for mates and the sound was a surefire indicator that TRUE spring was on its way!

I've been thinking about grass, too. NO, not the kind you smoke, you silly reader! Growing up in New Hampshire, one of my greatest delights was when I could shed my shoes and wriggle my toes in the young soft green blades of spring grass! Here, I would not DARE to do this, although I see a lot of the neighbor children running barefoot. There are scorpions, and fire ants, and hook worms and UGLY things that, as Anthony says, can ruin your day!!!

OK, that's enough for now. A week from tomorrow is my big anniversary/birthday. Probably food for more memoirs in a little while.....

On Saturday, June 17th, a dinner was given in honor of me and Anthony! A number of my students sang, as did several colleagues. Roger Geronimo of Geronimo Classics conceived of the idea and put it together. It was lots of fun, and the St. Augustine Mayor read a proclamation. I was so glad that Roger included Anthony in this tribute, because my fear of hubris and my general shyness made me uncomfortable with the original idea which was to honor my teaching and my contribution to the arts in St. Augustine. Anyway it was MUCH MORE APPROPRIATE to honor us both! Anthony has worked tirelessly to allow me to do what I do best and also what I LOVE to do.

Martha McKie was the accompanist. Nana, Jennifer, Alicia, Blaine, Erin, Megan and Skylar sang, as did Regina, Roger, Ralph, Jimmy Il Voce and a soprano from South Africa. I sang, too. It was a lovely evening, and I didn't even miss having a glass of wine as a companion. Many good friends and students' parents and supporters from FCO and the synagogue attended. I was very happy!!!!

my needlepoint

Since last summer when I had to make big changes in my life, I have become increasingly absorbed in NEEDLEPOINT. I love following the colors and varying stitches where appropriate and I get enormous satisfaction from watching the images/pictures emerge in thread! Some of my finished canvases are pictured below!

A smiling koi, and many colors in the dragonfly, butterfly and lily are enhanced by purple and pink mats and a bamboo frame. 

Leaves of gold and purple bargello background offset delicate pink flowers on this kimono. 

Mt. Fuji - the blue sky is velvet thread and the snow sparkles at the top of the mountain. 

My southwestern lizard. 

One of my SEVEN small kimonos, this uses a silk overdyed thread for the background. 

I love DRAGONFLIES. Note the stitch details in the water, and the sparkly thread on the wings. 

This is called "counted needlepoint" and the design is "Celtic Knot". The medallion in the center is made of Femo. 

Notice the detail on the flowers' leaves! 

I love stitching KIMONOS! This is the largest one I have done. The white bird is stitched in velvet thread! 

Last month, I went to Orange County, New York to attend my daughter-in-law Fran's "graduation" from a registered dietitian program. This has been Fran's dream for a long time and the family is VERY proud of her. The ceremony and seeing her deep emotion at having really done it, both moved me greatly.

While I was there, I also spent the day in my daughter Sarah's first grade classroom. She is a natural teacher and the children simply adore her. Below are a lot of pictures of her and her class.
I am very proud of Sarah and of Fran for their accomplishments, and my son Dan, who at nearly 32, has been the sergeant of the town police force for 3+ years already and is more than halfway to the required 20 years for an excellent pension!

I also had a wonderful walk with my friend Tedi in "my" woods at Goosepond State Park. What a delicious form of "re-creation".

Now I'm home and the first named tropical storm of 2006 is heading our way. May it NOT be a sign of the severity of the season to come!

sarah in action 

describing words 

Easter in Charleston

I'm leaving today to go to Charleston, again, to spend Easter with my Mother and try to get her new email sorted out. She has clung to AOL (ugh) until I convinced her to get DSL. Now she has to learn something new and she resists it. I told her it was the best thing for her brain to learn, as per research on the elderly. That was probably the thing that convinced her to try it out.

It is beautiful here. My big beautiful purple iris are blooming and the burgundy iris are not far behind. The Confederate jasmine will soon pop and then the front garden will be heady with scent. It is supposed to be 90 degrees on Easter - hope it will be cooler in Charleston. I dread those 90's. But most of the plants will come along well. Except the poor lovely little pansies.

I am driving up with my buddy Linda. That will make the trip go faster. Linda is a hoot. She really makes me laugh. We will take my car, as gas prices are pushing the $2.80's per gallon.

Best thing is I am leaving before the sacred Easter dinner. I really tried to convince Mother to GO OUT, so there would be more time to visit and less drudgery in the kitchen, but she is SET on it. It's not the dinner that I am glad to miss, but the time spent with my brother, who appears to have a pretty bad grudge against me right now. Sad thing is that I only know this via my mother's report. He has said nothing to me personally of his anger! Like the hate mail, that free-floating unacknowledged anger makes me terribly uneasy. Wish I could slough it off!

I have no wish to ramble here, so I'll leave anymore for later.

Would you like a little cheese with your whine?

Ah, no thanks. Things have been cheesy and ripe enough!

Yes, this is going to be a whine. (What happened to positive thinking?) Oh, that! Well, I think some of the negatives need to be released instead of merely pushed below the surface. That is why I am going to VENT yet again! Any who wish not be be covered with the regurgitated contents of my emotions may decide not to read any more!

So, first the wedding gig - yesterday in the hot spring weather, with w-i-n-d off the St. Johns River. I love singing with Jim, but the music was kind of crappy and low for me, though it ended on a high B-flat! Bocelli sings it, I believe - The Prayer. It's okay if you don't know any greater music, but so much less than it could have been! And things ran long, so I was late for my plans with Anthony last night. He was understanding and forgiving, but I felt the undertow of chaos pulling me down! (whine, whine)

Next this morning - singing at the Christian Science Church - and leaving right after the solo, instead of staying till the end so I could rush to Memorial Presbyterian and sing in the Rutter Requiem, which organist/choir director (and my friend) Janet Graham picked out for Palm Sunday 3 months ago, before her incapacitation and death last Thursday from breast cancer. I was okay singing it. Basically, I took over for Kris and Jane when the tessitura went out of their range - another B-flat. And I was okay until the very last piece when the text began to grab at my throat - "They rest from their labors..." all the way up a descending scale to that B-flat - Janet was such a powerhouse - always on the move to make worship a cohesive and organic whole. One of the choir members later asked me if I saw Janet "up there" on the B-flat. That was a cute compliment. I do feel sure that Janet was there, feeling proud of her choir. After the final piece, there was dead silence in the sanctuary for several seconds. Then people actually began to leave in quiet.

Now this stupid ---- gig. I am not putting their name in this post. I still consider if VERY likely that the hate mail came from someone in that organization. Anyway, I have to sing 2 songs - fun stuff - Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus and the Cavatina from Don Pasquale. I don't know if either of them is really memorized, and I don't really care. The pay is meager and my enthusiasm even less. I think the worst of it is that I feel like I am going unarmed and vulnerable into enemy territory.

There is another thing that is troubling me, too, but I am not sure it is appropriate to discuss it here. Perhaps later. Most of all when you add everything up, it seems like a load of crap has been dumped on me lately. (Whine, whine.) I think it may be a test. I hope I can pass it.

Who used address her readers as "Dear Reader"? I kind of feel I should do that, too. However, I suspect you only number two, and that is comforting. Thank you for listening, or if you tuned out earlier, bless you for your good sense!

losing my perspective

I have been having kind of a bad time lately. And this weekend Anthony has been pretty sick - coughing long and hard and feeling pretty miserable. I've never experienced him being so sick! He is a good patient, though, taking his medications and steaming over a bowl of Vicks without complaint. He's been sick, really since last Monday!

I came down with something on Thursday night,too -- started on a Z-pack on Friday morning, took a 4 hour nap in the afternoon and by Saturday was feeling nearly human, but tired.

What confounds me is how fragile I have been! I broke down and cried in church yesterday! And for what? I was reprimanded for stitching during the "sermon". I have been doing that for nearly 3 months! I really listen, and stay awake, but apparently some ex-military man found it offensive. Grrr. For a proponent of affirmations and positive thinking, this is truly a test. I think it's a combination of exhaustion, the weather heating up (which always makes me dread the suffocating summer to come), that stupid hate mail and a feeling of being adrift. What I want is about a month off! Maybe I'll take off May! It's almost too hot to garden, and there is a LOT I wanted to do! I worry about my mother's health and financial situation. None of this worry, etc, is really my style anymore. Since 2002, shortly after I had the stroke, I have been dedicated to "putting positive energy" into the world. It's really become second nature. But I'm slipping....

So I guess this is my venting space. And I need to take better charge of my thoughts. I also need to get more active- yoga, walking, Tibetan rites, whatever. MUST get the body moving! Maybe tomorrow. I still feel fatigued from the illness.

HATE MAIL

Why would someone write this to me? It's very upsetting to be the target of hate. Yes, I know it stems from envy and a small mind, but it is still distressing to be so ill-thought-of.

I am quite careful to treat each person with respect and as the Quakers say, "to see that of God in everyone" so this means that this person or these persons do not perceive that aspect of my personality.

As they were so cowardly as to send this anonymously, there is no response I can give. I will simply relinquish the wish to atone and accept that which I cannot change. What a strange world we live in!

on vacation by the big bridge

Here I am in Charleston, SC, on vacation at my mother's house. I am very happy to be here, watching TV in the evening and stitching away at my needlepoint. We've been shopping, out to eat, to a movie and I have been "cleaning up" her computer. She is kind of afraid of technology, so I have pledged to manage it. AND I talked her into getting DSL. I have been trying to persuade her to get rid of her AOL, too, because I just HATE it. But she clings to its familiarity.

I AM going back to St. Augustine tomorrow morning. Back to the "real" unreal world of jobs and obligations . I will miss her. She is a very special person. How I wish she lived closer. I cannot move, because my career is too firmly entrenched in St. Augie. She WON'T move because of her ties here - she has been here 17 and a half years. I cannot blame her.

I will post more soon. I want to talk about the hate mail I received about a week ago and about the thrill I got singing Madame Strasvichaya (Mme Goldentrill) in Mozart's The Impresario last weekend.

two down and three to go

The weekend began with FFMC auditions. Of the 5 registered, only 3 of my students sang, and all received superior!!! Of course, I am very proud of them. It is a special joy in my life to be influential in the development of young musicians.

I took a LONG nap after the auditions and then got ready for Saturday night's gig. The big community chorus Pops concert was this weekend. I am glad it is over, though I enjoyed the rehearsals, and for some reason I enjoyed last year's concert more! Mostly, it just made me really tired. Still, I don't intend to whine here, so let me say that it was, with all its flaws, very well received.

And now for the last big push to get the FVA students ready for their auditions. There are 14 who are eligible to sing. Because of testing, I have been limited in my time seeing them. I don't know how many are truly ready - perhaps 5. Argh. I need to see as many of them as possible this week, and depend upon Jeff to work his magic, too.

Then there is the synagogue show on Saturday night - I only have to sing one song, and it will be easy. Still, we will be deep into rehearsals for The Impresario by then. So many details to remember and take care of.

*** It has been 8 months since I changed my life - 8 months yesterday in fact. And the day we open The Impresario will be 4 years to the day since I had the stroke. I have strange feelings about this time of year, now.

However, the maple trees leaves POPPED open yesterday, and the air is crisp and fresh in the mornings, not heavy and humid. It's beautiful being outside! It makes me long for late April in Goosepond State Park in NY. Oh, well, time to get cracking on production details.

ARRRGH! Some things should remain nameless!

I went to see my gastroenterologist this morning - just a check up. My liver enzymes are the same, no decrease, no increase, simply as elevated as they were way back last fall. So now he names this previously anonymous condition - auto-immune hepatitis. So why does this bum my out so much! Nothing has changed by his naming it - I am not on any treatment for it, but still it bothers me. I now host TWO autoimmune diseases - scleroderma, AKA CREST, and this hepatitis thingy. All he said was to avoid things that harm the liver - alcohol and drugs that are processed through the liver, like any cholesterol lowering agent, which thankfully, I am not on anyway. I just needed to blow off steam. It really does annoy me and it is senseless to be annoyed because nothing is different from before the naming. It is silly of me to feel this way. Why can't feelings be rational?!

coming up for air

It's been a busy few weeks! Lots going on in First Coast Opera AND my life. Many, many students - I love teaching. I love the satisfaction of mining for the best sound in a student and the satisfaction of knowing that THEY know the results improved and were easier, too! NATS auditions past, Florida Federation of Music Clubs and Florida Vocal Association auditions to come. It's a time crowded with details!

Yet, I have found some time to be in my garden - to clean the pond and trim back the fern and to clean up dead vegetation. My iris are getting ready to burst forth - the foliage is bright and healthy looking. I get really excited about my iris - one is solid deep purple and one is burgundy with a yellow throat. The other is white and to date, the blue flags have NOT bloomed.

Now, I will speak of my needlepoint! I am working on 3 canvases at the moment - one of a kimono in black with a big white bird and flowers in green and teal and white on it, one small one of a dragonfly in blue and white and green, a large canvas of a lizard in LOTS of colors. When they are done I will photograph them and add them to my blog.

I was rejected for flap LASIK surgery this week! The doctor won't operate on patients with scleroderma and possibly all autoimmune diseases! Rats! I thought that after all these years of wearing glasses (since I was 2 years old!) I could be done with them!

I have loved watching the Olympics these two weeks. The pair skaters who performed to Puccini's Madama Butterfly brought me to tears! And such high drama! Like the Italian pair whose red-headed diva was unspeakably unsportsmanlike with such a huge audience! I wonder how she feels about that now! Talk about a LARGE POND!

So, on to Mozart! We will be doing The Impresario in modern period with Mr. Angel, the backer, as Luigi Angelo, the mob boss. Dan loves the idea. I just haven't figured out what the costumes will be. I hope I still have my high F! I don't want to feel foolish in my small pond. www.firstcoastopera.com

Chino (on top bunk) and Roxy - cats just love boxes! 

Lucy the cat in Charleston, SC 

Singing at the Lightner Museum - The Hours Creep on Apace from HMS Pinafore 

splash

Okay, here I am. "This is my blog, this is my blog, I never travel without my blog", as King Kaspar sings in Amahl and the Night Visitors. I guess I am a blog "virgin", never having posted my thoughts for LOTS of folks to read before, BUT I had run out of things to edit on my company website www.firstcoastopera.com and thought I would try my hand here.

I am a very happy person, by and large, because I do many things that I REALLY love. I am sure this is a terrible thing to write in a blog, because I have always been told that blogs are a good place to let off steam. On the other hand, I believe in either 1) speaking the truth as I see it, OR 2) making up an whopper of a story. This is the first. Maybe later I will concoct a fantasy life!!!

• I get to sing a lot and I LOVE singing.
• I get to TEACH singing, and I love seeing people open to the beauty they are able to create with their voices - such magic we have inside of us, that can remain unmined and unknown!
• I get to work on the website that I created.
• I get to play on line Scrabble!!
• I get to stitch needlepoint canvases in the sweet evenings while watching Law and Order or Crossing Jordan or even a movie!
• I get to love my kitties - I DO love my kitties. They are Lucy, Chino and Roxy. Perhaps I will post THEIR pictures, too, because they are truly GORGEOUS felines.
• I have a husband who makes me very happy, and cooks dinner for me, too!
• I have wonderful friends who make me laugh, let me cry and tell me the truth!
• I have children I adore and step-daughters I love and respect.
• My mother is my best friend, and we spent 26 days in the UK in 2004 touring London, Cornwall, Scotland and Wiltshire - oh, such happy memories.
• I live in a wonderful house in Florida (I don't like Florida - too hot in the summer, but I love OUR town) with a room like a cathedral solely devoted to music which houses my grand piano.

I am sure I have forgotten something, but I will just come back and edit. I enjoy editing a web post, as I enjoy tweaking my life to make it better!

I try to keep a positive attitude - I believe positive energy begets positive energy and vice versa. Since I began focusing on the positive a few years back, I have been happier and healthier. So, that means I attempt to turn "bad" things into gifts - e.g. the stroke that left me mostly speechless (for a few days) and with diminished sensation in my right hand, also taught me to slow down, consider my options, and "carpe diem". Take time to study the birds at the feeder, to watch the moon wheel overhead, to feel the cat's purr on the palm of my hand - these become as important as "getting things done". I think that explains my newfound, and long overdue happiness.

The organization we founded - First Coast Opera - has been a source of wonderful friendships and collaborations, as well as marvelous musical experiences.

I wish more people would take the time to develop a positive outlook - the world would be much more peaceful and joyful.

I guess I should sign my name POLLYANNA.

Who cares? This is for the people I love - I hope you know who you are, and if you are in doubt, believe it is true! May your lives be filled with things that bring you peace and joy.

Luciluna - the light of the moon rest softly on you