Two Kinds of Stakes

The Captain's friend BK offered to stake me to half of $500 if I would put up the other half. He would register on my behalf and I would play. Obviously he has NO idea what $250 means to us. I know he regularly has 10 times that in a "pot". Winning and losing large sums is another day's work for him. At least he understands very well the ephemeral nature of money!

On the other hand, today I am going to Jax to invest in a different kind of stake. I'm going to work at the Florida Federation of Music Clubs Festival, where young people (under 19) are adjudicated, critiqued and encouraged to continue their musical education. I expect it will be a grueling day - 11:30 to 8 or so, with an hour's travel time either way. Then tomorrow morning, three of MY students are being adjudicated, as well, so I must be there at 8:30 with our accompanist. They are all SO well prepared. I find it thrilling to work with them - beautiful young voices, exquisite music, and their palpable excitement. Beautiful music is at the heart of civilized life. This is MY stake in their future, and in a much broader sense, the future of civilization.

My Very Short Career as an On-Line Gambler

Ha ha ha! The joke's on me. I decided I would take a chance on a $10 fee and see how it went. After completing the whole process to update my account, etc., the website would not allow me to play for money!!! What a good laugh that gave me!

SCRABBLE for dollars!

Shhh! I have a secret. I love to play Scrabble! Last night I heard a TV commercial for an online Scrabble game where you can earn money for winning!

With a sharp bolt of lighting and a crack of thunder, a whole new world opened up! Fear and trembling! I skipped my stitching time in the evening and played. Did I put up any money? Heaven forfend! I merely played to see what my average was of winning games. I figure if I can win 60% of 5000 games, I can make a little money. We shall see. Of course they match players, probaby by winning percentage or by average or high score, and I am sure it is geared to let you win just enough to keep you hooked. They even offer free games to entice you. Pray for me! I know my obsessive nature. This will take LOTS of discipline. I need all the help I can get!!!

Hilarious NEW Search Engine

If you haven't checked out Mrs. Dewey yet, you have to see this! It's funny and interactive. Probably doesn't work as well as Google, but certainly is more amusing!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

Awake at 5 a.m. with worries about debt, once again. I waited till 6 to turn on the light to read the little book I bought this week about credit card debt. Finally got up and made a cup of tea at 6:40. The book, Credit Card Debt by Alexander Daskaloff, sets out a system of strategies that begin with organizing all credit card data, then systematically reducing the interest load. Oddly enough, I had already begun this process on my own! He is way ahead of my thought processes, though, and I think this is all very well-worthwhile.

Coincidentally, last night I watched an Oprah I had recorded featuring Peter Walsh about eliminating clutter, and how doing so can change your life! Another good path, now that the depression is lifting. Even an hour a day would make a good start on that project. Fortunately, we did quite a bit of that when we put the house on the market in October. Walsh spoke of "the room you don't want anyone to see" - "quick, honey, close the ___ room door so the guests don't see it!" LOL - doesn't everyone have one of those?

The neurologist wants me to repeat the nerve conduction studies to see how the carpal tunnel constriction is progressing (or not!). What an unpleasant test! Still, he says that if one is going to need hand surgery to release the nerve, it should be done before muscle fibers begin to break down. This is a man of few words - my semi-annual consists mainly of hi, how are you, how's the right hand, see you in 6 months. But he did promote this, and it does make sense, I think.

It is a beautiful Florida dawn here now at 7:11 a.m. - pale blue sky with deep purple and pink tinged with orange clouds. In the still morning air I hear the drumming rhythm of a train down the road a mile or so. I do love winter here.

The Captain and I had a conversation last night (that my husband of 9 years). I'd been thinking of how much I appreciate the man he has become. We have grown so much closer in the past 2-3 years. He really knows me know - and I think I know him, too. Since I reached my 20's, I have longed to be "known". I wish my brothers would care enough to try. I know it is too soon to hope for my son wanting to know me. Why do I feel this is self-indulgent, too? Old tapes tell me that it is not important to most people. In my family, it is apparently a woman's job to care enough to learn about someone. That is why I am so fervently grateful for the Captain. Low-maintenance he ain't, but his other qualities make that okay!

Three of my students are coming this morning for a rehearsal with the accompanist, prior to their adjudication next Saturday morning. Each of the girls is singing two art songs and two musical theater songs. It's so much fun to see their growth.

The Test Results

Roxy does NOT have heart worm!!! I am so relieved. Heart worm is a death sentence for a cat. Perhaps they can live for a time, with breathing compromised, but the treatment can be deadly, too.

That means she DOES have asthma. It may be caused by allergies, or the fact that she weighs 23 # 8 oz. Doesn't really matter. I have not tried the treatment yet: When she has an attack, I am supposed to aim my albuterol inhaler into a lunch bag-sized paper bag and spray 4 puffs, they immediately place the bag over her head and hold it!!!! Can you just picture this? The cat is madly backing up and shaking her head. Of course she also gasps, which means she gets some treatment for her breathing! Then the next time I need to open a paper bag, she is g-o-n-e in a flash. It would be very funny if asthma weren't a serious condition!

Since she had the depomedrol (cortisone) shot on Tuesday, she is much better. I haven't heard her cough once, and she has more energy. Those of you who have ever taken cortisone know how quickly it can reduce symptoms.

Okay, now I am off to see the neurologist for a semi-annual recheck. On March 18th it will be 5 years since the stroke that hospitalized me for 5 days. I think I will reward myself with a visit to A Stitch in Time.

Little Cat Stocking

This is the little Cat Stocking I stitched in December. I love the kitty's furry back!

My most beautiful work to date

Here is my musical needlepoint canvas, finished and framed! What a joy it was to stitch!

It's all relative

It is February. The 5th, to be precise. 3 weeks ago I had some routine tests done at the lab. Last week my doctor called me in, just as she had in October when I had the upper endoscopy performed, because my ferritin level was low. It is again, so she sent me to the gastroenterologist, who has recommended a colonoscopy. I had one done that awful September of 2004 when Charley, Frances and one other hurricane/tropical storm came through. What a nuisance. Mostly, I am afraid we will owe again for the anesthesiologist, whom I just paid off for the EGD. Argh.... Can't seem to get ahead.

I'm on a z-pack, too, for a sinus infection that struck me on Friday - fierce headache that would NOT go away, and lethargy. I have canceled, in the past 5 days, $135 worth of lessons. I HATE to do that, but I just have not felt well enough! I know I cannot push for too long or too hard before I pay for it physically. I did it for 5 years during the divorce, and look where it got me - scleroderma and autoimmune liver disease.

I'm struggling to keep my head above water. I'm struggling to maintain a positive attitude - in fact, I think I have failed with that! Still, I spoke to B.A. today and her sister is having a prophylactic double mastectomy done in early March. B.A., her mother, and one of her sisters, have all had breast cancer. I need to keep this all in perspective. Whew!

So, I will end this with a litany of gratitude. I am grateful for:
1. A wonderful, supportive, loving husband, whom I love!
2. Relatively good health
3. A home I love, that is comfortable and warm - a haven and a sanctuary.
4. Three beautiful, loving cats.
5. Needlepoint!!
6. Singing!
7. An occupation that I truly enjoy most of the time, that makes me feel useful and uniquely special.
8. Good friends.
9. My computer!
10. Living in a country with more freedoms, resources and wealth than most of the world can imagine.

That should do it! I will ponder these blessings and keep them in my heart. I will substitute a positive affirmation whenever I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. I hate self-pity! Ugh!

Nearly everything in life to which we give "value" is relative, and I need to remember this!
Woohoo!

Tying up some loose ends

How on earth did it get to be the 30th of January already?????

Where DOES the time go?

Well, regarding the opera I was rushing off to....(http://www.metoperafamily.org/metopera/broadcast/hd_events.aspx) was a marvelous experience! I Puritani by Bellini is not a well-know opera, and does not have any arias or ensembles among "opera's greatest hits", but the 6 of us who attended are still raving, and plan to attend Eugene Onegin, The Barber of Seville and Il Trittico planned for the end of each of the next three months.

Here are the 2 negatives I feel deserve attention:

1. Picture quality on the high definition big screen was quite variable.
2. The tech people who ran the "projector" had the volume so high the pitches were distorted, and it required two requests to reduce the volume before it was closer to the sound you would expect to hear at the Met.

However, the positives definitely outweighed the negatives!!!

1. Wonderful odd camera angles - backstage right looking at the audience, for instance, or backstage during intermission as the set was being changed! These are amazing glimpses of the production that one cannot get sitting in the audience!
2. Incredible close-up shots that show detail of costume and facial expressions.
3. The wonderful interview that Renee Fleming did with 36 year old Russion soprano Anna Netrebko (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Netrebko) featured questions that only another singer would know to ask! It provided a wonderfully intimate view of the performance.
4. As an experienced singer/performer I loved the event, but so did audience members who were there for the music or the drama and not for the glimpse it offered into working at the Met.

I highly recommend that you go. Please check the link above for locations, times, and more information.
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I've been depressed for the past three weeks. First Coast Opera (www.firstcoastopera.com) had to cancel the March production of La Boheme, because of debt incurred from our 2006 productions. This is highly discouraging, particularly in view of the fact that the venue was not lost as we supposed from the choral director's attitude over the paperwork for the last production (Babes in Toyland). On the other hand, to have gone ahead would have been so labor intensive, that I don't know if I could have survived it. I have terribly mixed feelings. On the one hand I mourn the loss of what I know would have been a marvelous production, as well as the opportunity to sing Musetta. But I have a overwhelming sense of relief not to have to either shoulder the burden of all those details or find the strength to refuse to do them! Whew....

Adding to my sadness and confusion about the opera company, is my grief and responsibility about the credit card debt we are in. Anthony doesn't often spend money, and in the past year and a half, I have been uncharacteristically "spendthrift-y" (sic). I guess it was my reward for being on the wagon, but whatever the cause, it has dug us a pretty big hole, that will require much discipline and some privation compared with our recent standard of living. Both bearing the responsibility of the debt and living with the reduced circumstances beats me down some.
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I've been teaching a LOT up at the high school. After exploring medical transcription as a source of income ($10-15/per hour), I decided that teaching at $25 a lesson, even with the annoyance and time lost from traveling 20 minutes each way, was the better direction in which to head. I know that that source will dry up from May to September, but I will deal with that when I must.
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On a good note, I'm still doing needlepoint each evening for 2-5 hours, and still just LOVING it. I have several projects going at once and trade off when I need a change. One of my newest projects (unfinished), is of a singing Santa. I love all the neat stitches it requires. I particularly love that plaid scarf. How amazingly clever!

The worrisome detail that I refuse to seriously consider, is that I have had to begin wearing my carpal tunnel brace at night. Yes, I know that needlepoint will aggravate it, as will typing and playing the piano, and carrying heavy loads of books, laptop, etc., all of which I do on a daily basis. I am resorting to prayer along with the brace. :-(

Enough odds and ends for now. I need to teach!

Off to the Opera!

Six of us are going to Jacksonville to see the Met broadcast of I Puritani by Bellini. Woohoo! Should be fun. Opera on the big screen, and not a film version!

Drat those cats...

Every time I try to get a picture of Chino and Roxy chumming it up together, one of them sees me and spoils the pose by getting up to come see me! Drat!

A Useful Link!

This link is for ANYONE who has ever tried to get past some company's automated voice system in order to speak with a human!!!
http://gethuman.com/us/

Why, oh why do we blog?

After staying up till 1 in the morning looking at other people's blogs, I got to thinking. For many people, the blog is like a diary. Since a diary is most often a record of private thoughts, why do we post it in such a potentially public place, on the WORLD WIDE WEB???

My Grammie wrote a daily diary. After her death, I found boxes of small black datebooks - her diaries. Each represented one year's recording of her activities, the weather, and her observations. She didn't rant and rave. That's not to say the reader couldn't glean something of her emotions, but they were subtle, nonassertive, even apologetic.

I associate the word "diary" with adolescent girls - do they have them these days? A locked leather book with a tiny key holds all their wishes, dreams, and heartaches.

Thinking of earlier historical and literary examples, I recall reading books that were a collection of diary entries - one in particular, the name of which escapes me presently, was the diary of a pioneer woman. I would like to relocate it and read it again in light of these ramblings. Then there is the film example of Dances with Wolves - the Kevin Costner character had a diary in which he recorded his experiences, complete with drawings. One poignant moment happened after the Cavalry came to his camp, and one of the soldiers used a page of the diary for toilet paper!

But the question remains, and it deeply reflects our times, I believe, Why record our thoughts, feelings, and experiences in such a public forum?

There is so much available to us on the information highway, that we feel at once puny and insignificant, and at the same time possessed of power to reach a multitude of others! What a heady mixture of excitement - the possibility of enormous gratification when one's post is read, and the comment is affirming! A perfect stranger, or a "blog buddy" sharing our thoughts! I believe that is why it is important to acknowledge a writer's posting with a pertinent comment, if one comes to mind.

We are so separate, and at the same time, we can see how very many of us are out there. No small town, this, but a potentially global-sized, limitless circle of acquaintances, or even friends!

It's a fascinating topic, this blogging, and I welcome YOUR comments, dear reader.

Feeling somewhat aimless

Awoke with a headache today, which must be related to the shower we were having at the time. When I drank I often experienced early morning headaches that were my version of a hangover. Seems rather unfair that I still have headaches and don't have the pleasure of my red wine in the evenings.

The heating and air-conditioning men are here installing the new heat pump, which, as it turns out, will cost us nearly $2800. Yuck! Ugh! Argh! Best laid plans of debt reduction.

So I have been researching "home based business" opportunities. Hmmm. I think they are only opportunities for those who have a yen to sell something, and I do NOT! More Daoist silliness, no doubt. How seductive to imagine making $500-1000 a week in 20 hours. No wonder they get so much traffic on their sites. I wonder if a business offering needlepoint/cross-stitch parties at home, rather like Tupperware parties, would find any takers? On the other hand, I know that I dislike invitations to such things, which are really ask one's friends and family to buy the product as a favor to the hostess. Even when I attend, I try to keep that in mind, because of my affection for my friend.

Chino, my 11 year old tabby (the bottom feline in the picture) just came down the hall into the computer room saying, "Rrrowww, rrowwww", with an orange plastic jack in his mouth, begging for play! When he was a little kitten that was his favorite game, and he would play it to the point of exhaustion and collapse complete with dog-like panting!!!! What an adorably engaging little critter he is!

So, if there are no get-rich-quick schemes that I can embrace, I need to be more creative. And creativity is something I do well...... ....

My Grammie and my mother used to say, "Where there's a will, there's a way," but I wonder....

the first business day of 2007

"It's bad news," I told my husband on the cell phone, and proceeded to inform him that the loud bang I had heard at 3 a.m. on New Year's Eve had signaled the need for a new heat pump unit - $2600. He replied, "That's it? I was afraid you were going to tell me about somebody we love!"

Now, didn't that put things into perspective! Well, yes, it puts a big crimp in the debt reduction plans we'd made, at least temporarily, but seen in the greater picture, it's a puny setback! So I am not going to fret about it. At least this summer when we are sweating through the heat and humidity, we'll have a new heat pump to keep us cool at less money than we paid last summer!

Teaching today, 1:30-6, and Jeff wants me back for some of the Masters Track kids, so money is coming in, too. The sun is shining, the humidity is down and our loved ones are safe.

turning a new calendar page

Happy New Year to you all!

I'm not so happy. Anthony and talked about the financial situation this morning and we are agreed. No new house this year, not even an old cottage. We have to get the bills taken care of first.

It's humid and cloudy - glad it's cloudy because with the heat pump in questionable condition, I prefer not to run it. Will see to getting it fixed tomorrow.

Watched a Pierce Brosnan/Woody Harrelson movie today - shades of 007. A jewel-thieving couple retiring to "Paradise". It's a concept lots of people would embrace, but it's not paradise to me. I wish for the woods of Goose Pond and the Grandmother tree. The subtle winter colors of the woods are beautiful to me, as are the trails through woods and fields and by the creek. Such an evocative environment. Anthony wonders if I would find NC as appealing and alluring. I have no doubt that I would, given time to explore and learn about the area. I could get really bummed at myself with all this debt. I know a lot of it is my doing. Now, I see a good reason for being more careful. I hope I can live up to my own standards. .

Six months have passed! Eventful months. Tiring months. And here we are at the end of 2006. We have had plans since mid-October to move to Asheville, NC. I need some relief from the relentless Florida heat and the pervasive worry that a hurricane will come by.

We've been through so many incarnations of the dream - sell this house and buy a permanent residence in western NC, keep this house and buy a small retreat or even a mobile home in the mountains. So far, nothing has happened except that my house is a lot cleaner. And that is GOOD!

I worry about having enough money to implement any version of the plan. I think that will be my New Year's resolution - eliminate debt other than mortgage, student loan, and car loan. And since I am the one working AND the one spending most of the money, I am the one who must take responsibility for making it work! I expect that the $3100 tax credit for the new Prius will help!

So, the year from June 27 to date:

1. Terrible blow up with my son, causing me to retreat from contact with him. This required a new acceptance of the distance he wants between us. Very hard. Very sad.
2. Totalled my 2003 Prius. ALL my fault. Who said I could be a cowboy? I paid with bruises and pain for a few weeks. Then I got a wonderful NEW Prius. Wonderful car - 50 mpg!!!
3. The opera company www.firstcoastopera.com came home again. We keep trying to give it away but still maintain contact and the spirit it was founded in. This time I stupidly, foolishly allowed myself to get completely back into the areas I haven't wanted to handle for several years. This has caused a lot of stress and ultimately the push for relocation! The worst results are headaches and stomach agitation.
4. Much more needlepoint! Christmas presents for nearly everybody came out of that. I love working with the colors and textures.
5. The unheard of has happened - I have an ARTIFICIAL Christmas tree in my living room! It is quite beautiful, though.
6. I find myself, at the close of 2006, needing to remind myself that my own positive energy will create the positive results I want. I will need to exercise some discipline and forethought to combat my spending urges, particularly when it comes to stitching. I have strong Taoist leanings towards non-action, and this must be something I reflect upon and quite possibly release. Louise Hay's affirmations are not non-active, and I embrace that concept too. Perhaps inaction comes from that long-held victim-stance that has historically gotten me in big trouble!

I included this in my Christmas/Holiday letter
"To see a World in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
William Blake"
AND
"We are ever mindful that joy comes from seeking the wonder in whatever surrounds us, and treasuring friends, family and experiences as a mother cherishes a newborn child. We wish you that joy, now and in the New Year!"

That pretty much sums it up... now on to a new calendar!

Memoirs?

Hmmmm..........
I've been thinking about blogging (so much on the news about MySpace.com). Anthony asked me a little while ago why such a shy and reserved person would create a blog. I still don't really have an answer, but I do know I like it better than journaling, of which I have done a lot at particular times of growth in my life.

From the title of this blog and my other (Things I recall with gratitude) one would expect it to be mostly about distant past events. Memoirs is the French word for memories. Perhaps it should be better entitled "thoughts of a biggish fish in a small pond". Ah, semantics.

Anyway, my pond seems to have a leak. The water level goes down intermittently, perhaps 6 inches or so, and once refilled it SOMETIMES goes down again. But sometimes it stays as it is for several days. Hmmmmm..... Such mystery. The nasty, inconvenient part would be having to take it apart and redo it in this heat! And I wonder if we could find the same shape plastic liner. I know there are a lot of options, but the big bugaboo for me is doing THAT job in 85-90 degree heat at 70-80% humidity! Ugh!

Otherwise, I've been stitching and teaching, stitching and teaching. Some days I stitch 8-9 hours.

I love my teaching, especially these days. Although I REALLY miss having Linda and Martha and Karen as accompanists for my students, the computer program Smart Music is a reasonable substitute. My students have such potential! They are truly wonderful, and for me they are a kind of family here in far off Florida, especially since my kids are no longer KIDS, but full fledged grown people with full lives of their own.

The studio!!!! It is so magical. Anthony and I spent some time out there last night in candle light listening to an 80 year old pianist playing Ravel. Ah, bliss. The room almost seems to have a rarefied air - like stepping into one of the magnificent cathedrals in England. There is a spaciousness there with the high ceiling, and a stillness. It's funny - sometimes when it rains I can hear one of those little green froggies outside and it's SO LOUD! How can such tiny, unprepossessing creatures make such a racket!!!???

That, of course, reminds me of a delicious memory! Both when I was growing up in Hanover and as a young mother in Monroe, I recall the calling of the spring peepers with such joy! Like our Florida tree frogs, these little fellas and gals were calling like mad for mates and the sound was a surefire indicator that TRUE spring was on its way!

I've been thinking about grass, too. NO, not the kind you smoke, you silly reader! Growing up in New Hampshire, one of my greatest delights was when I could shed my shoes and wriggle my toes in the young soft green blades of spring grass! Here, I would not DARE to do this, although I see a lot of the neighbor children running barefoot. There are scorpions, and fire ants, and hook worms and UGLY things that, as Anthony says, can ruin your day!!!

OK, that's enough for now. A week from tomorrow is my big anniversary/birthday. Probably food for more memoirs in a little while.....

On Saturday, June 17th, a dinner was given in honor of me and Anthony! A number of my students sang, as did several colleagues. Roger Geronimo of Geronimo Classics conceived of the idea and put it together. It was lots of fun, and the St. Augustine Mayor read a proclamation. I was so glad that Roger included Anthony in this tribute, because my fear of hubris and my general shyness made me uncomfortable with the original idea which was to honor my teaching and my contribution to the arts in St. Augustine. Anyway it was MUCH MORE APPROPRIATE to honor us both! Anthony has worked tirelessly to allow me to do what I do best and also what I LOVE to do.

Martha McKie was the accompanist. Nana, Jennifer, Alicia, Blaine, Erin, Megan and Skylar sang, as did Regina, Roger, Ralph, Jimmy Il Voce and a soprano from South Africa. I sang, too. It was a lovely evening, and I didn't even miss having a glass of wine as a companion. Many good friends and students' parents and supporters from FCO and the synagogue attended. I was very happy!!!!